


Two Geniuses? More Like Two Dorks

by Anduril_Narsil549



Category: Batman (Comics), Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood/Arsenal (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Adopted Sibling Relationship, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Jason and Tim actually get along, Shenanigans, The Batboys can be total dorks, debatably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:42:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26549185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anduril_Narsil549/pseuds/Anduril_Narsil549
Summary: Electric cart jousting, elephant's toothpaste, Nerf wars, gummy bear betting...All just a normal night in a Walmart when Jason and Tim get let loose.AKA, Tim and Jason go to a Walmart, and shenanigans ensue.
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake & Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson, Tim Drake & Jason Todd
Comments: 20
Kudos: 391





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I headcanon that of course Tim has a genius level IQ, but Jason does as well, he just hides it :)
> 
> Inspired by one of my friends saying she and another friend are the epitome of two very smart people who cancel each other out when they get together and dumb things always happen.

Jason's quiet evening was ruined by a sweatshirt barreling into his head. Huffing, he muttered his curses under his breath in respect that Alfred was probably nearby somewhere. The man had a knack for appearing right when Jason swore.

Unwrapping his head from the offending clothing, he was surprised that it was a bedraggled Tim who stood in front of him. While Tim normally looked worse for wear, the fact he had one arm in a sling and multiple bruises along both arms made him look downright awful. That was a small price to pay compared to what his altercation with a gang that got the drop on him could have been.

Despite himself, Jason's heart beat a bit more frantically at the thought. Tim really shouldn't patrol alone, regardless of how skilled he was, and how smart he was. One mistake was all it took...

"What do you want, Replacement?" Jason asked with a scowl that had less bite in it than he had intended. "Because interrupting _Pride and Prejudice_ for anything less than the world coming to an end is a capital offense." He waved the book at his brother, one finger tucked into it to keep his place.

Tim rolled his eyes and threw a set of keys. "You're driving."

"Nuh uh," Jason replied, flinging the sweatshirt back at his brother and catching the keys. "Drive yourself, wherever you're going."

"Alfred said no driving," Tim mumbled, embarrassed.

"Since when has that stopped you? I can think of five times off the top of my head that didn't stop you." Though he had to admit, he agreed with Alfred. Tim probably shouldn't be driving when he had an arm in a sling.

Tim glared at the floor. "Because coffee is on the line," he growled. "Alfred said he'd take away coffee privileges if I drove." Looking up with a fierce scowl, he said, "Look, I just need to go to the store, alright?"

Jason grumbled as he stood. "Fine, fine, don't get your tights in a twist. Where are we going and what for?"

"Wherever for some espresso ice cream. I can't think straight, and that sometimes helps." His brother ran a hand down his face, which brought the worn look to a point. Jason sighed.

"You really need sleep. And a break in general."

"Whatever. Let's go."

**

Bruce was working at his computer in the cave, the sound of Dick working on a punching bag filling the large space. It had been a quiet week, minus Tim's injuries. It left plenty of time to catch up on some cases that had been neglected for far too long.

Dick halting his workout and the subsequent quiet registered subconsciously for Bruce, but his attention remained on the screen. He was close to a lead, he could feel it...

"B...have you checked your news feed recently?" Dick asked in a slightly horrified tone.

The question and Dick's tone immediately put Bruce on edge, and he turned all his attention to Dick. "Why?" he asked, even as he reached for the phone next to him.

Dick huffed, still looking at his phone. Bruce could have sworn it was actually choked back laughter, though he couldn't imagine what for. "Because your second and third sons are, um, enjoying themselves."

Unlocking his phone with a small frown, Bruce was inundated with headlines.

_Wayne sons cause havoc in Walmart!_

_Wayne sons make a betting ring in the toy section of Walmart! Only can bet gummy bears!_

_Wayne sons removed from Walmart by security!_

_Wayne son buys Walmart!_

Bruce looked up sharply at Dick. "Did Tim buy a Walmart?"

Dick grinned at him. "You haven't even read half of them."

Bruce winced internally and turned his attention back to the phone.

 _Battle between Batman and Wonder Woman enacted by Wayne sons!_ (Bruce was sure he knew who won that...)

_Wayne son found stuffed in duffel bag at Walmart!_

_Jousting matches on electric carts at Walmart, defending champion second eldest Wayne son!_

Clicking his phone off, Bruce leaned back in his chair, resisting the urge to rub his face tiredly.

"Wondering why you had more kids after me?" Dick asked impishly.

Flicking his look to his son, Bruce said, "Did you put them up to this?"

Dick's grin only widened. "Oh, no. I could never get them to do something like this. This was all their doing."

Bruce resisted the new urge to sigh and rub his face again. Dick was right. Those two would only do something like this if no one else had been involved. They had to maintain appearances that they were aloof from one another. At least, that had been the impression he had until now.

"If Tim hurts his arm again," he muttered shaking his head. This time he did sigh. "Why are my two genius-IQ sons total idiots when they get together?"

Dick leaned back and crossed his arms. "Hey, who are you calling dumb?"

"My two genius-IQ sons," Bruce shot back, reading more headlines on his phone.

"And what am I?" Dick asked, voice hurt.

"High above average," Bruce commented absently. Shaking his head, he turned the phone off and turned back to the computer.

"You're not going to, I don't know, be a parent and stop them?" Dick asked, the slightest bit of a pout coming through in his tone.

Bruce's mouth twitched in the start of a smile. "No. They deserve a bit of fun and time to unwind."

Dick ogled at him. "In a public place. In a _Walmart_. It's already causing a media storm."

Shrugging, Bruce just said, "Tim bought the store. He can do whatever he wants. Besides, the Walmart will probably see a spike in sales considering their stunts, and Tim can resell it for a profit."

Shaking his head, Dick walked away, calling over his shoulder, "Why did I have to be the oldest? I would have never been allowed to do this."

Bruce unlocked his phone and checked the timestamps on the headlines. "The most recent one was only five minutes ago. You could probably still catch them."

The stunned silence from his son was impressive.

"You're actually suggesting..." Dick started.

"Just don't tell Damian," Bruce replied, starting to type again.

Dick's whoop filled the cave as he sped out.

Bruce sighed and paused his work. He made a mental note that Tim and Jason's IQ's would cancel each other out in non-life-threatening situations.

It remained to be seen whether Dick would keep the IQ score above zero or plummet it into the negatives.

Wincing slightly, he put the issue out of mind. He'd know soon enough.


	2. Meanwhile at Walmart...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An addition as requested by Prisma19! I hope you enjoy!

Tossing some gummy bears in his mouth, Jason glanced at Tim, who was throwing the ingredients for elephant's toothpaste into an already overloaded cart.

"You got enough stuff there?" he asked, though he couldn't hide his interest.

Tim glanced back at him before swiping more hydrogen peroxide off the shelf. "Almost. Take it easy on those gummy bears."

"Someone's sounding like Alfred," Jason said as he threw one at Tim's head. "They were won fair and square."

"Only after I beat you four times." Tim straightened up before leaning his good arm on the shopping cart handle. "I thought you were better at poker."

Jason raised an eyebrow. "Uh, I'm _great_ at poker."

Tim didn't look impressed as he started absently moving the cart backward and forward. "Not when you play fair you're not."

Grinning, Jason replied, "When you put that caveat in there..."

Tim rolled his eyes. "Give me my share of those." He held out his hand, wiggling his fingers in a grabbing motion.

Jason's grin widened. "Sure, in fact, would you hold the bag for me?" He shoved the bag into Tim's hand as his brother's eyes widened and he started backing away from him.

"No, Jason, whatever you're going to--"

He broke off with a surprised yelp as Jason grabbed him around the waist and flung him over his shoulder.

"Relax, we're going on an adventure!"

Tim twisted in his hold. "You're horrible, I hope you know."

Jason tightened his hold a bit, but Tim wasn't making any real effort of escaping. "Aw, Timmy, is that how you treat your poor back-from-the-dead brother?"

"Is this how you treat your poor injured brother?" Tim retorted.

"I'm being careful," Jason said, turning down the aisle he wanted. Snagging the largest duffel bag from the shelf, he quickly unzipped it and put it on the floor.

"Uh, Jason, no. Whatever you're thinking, just no." This time Tim did squirm harder, but still not acting like he actually wanted to get away.

"Uh, Tim, _yes_." Swinging his brother around, they wrestled for a few moments before Jason managed to get Tim into the bag and zip it closed.

"Jason, you're _horrible_ ," came Tim's muted voice as the bag scooted about some. Jason just watched with a small smirk, arms crossed in satisfaction.

"You can totally get out of there even without the pocketknife I know you have on you. Besides, at least you're head's attached."

The bag stilled a moment. "Not the best joke," Tim muttered, almost inaudible through the fabric. Then the bag began moving again, a bit more insistently, before Tim's head emerged. The glare he wore was reminiscent of Damian, but Jason couldn't help the laugh that escaped him at the sight of it paired with Tim's hair stuck out at odd angles.

"Glad you think that's hilarious. You know I _can_ have you removed from the premises considering I own the store."

Jason chuckled. "Yeah but you're having fun. Admit it. When was the last time you had an hour to do whatever the heck you wanted?"

Tim scowled harder, but from the twitching in his lips and the corners of his eyes it was clear he was fighting back amusement.

"When Dick forced me to," came the short reply.

Jason thought for a moment before he fixed Tim with a look. "You mean that time he literally locked you out of the manor and babysat you at his apartment?"

Tim made a face that was part disgust and part curiosity. "Yeah, that time. How do you know about that?"

"That was four months ago," Jason said, ignoring the question. He wasn't about to let on that he was partially responsible for Tim's lockout.

"No, that was..." Tim paused, calculating. "That _was_ four months ago." Sighing, he shrugged the rest of the way out of the bag. "How is time so easy to lose track of?"

"Because you don't do anything other than work." Jason held out his hand to pull Tim up.

"Whatever. I believe you have a group of kids waiting for you in aisle ten?"

Jason grinned. "No _you_ do. I'm just here to watch."

Tim turned away, but not before Jason caught the smile on his face. "You're the one who promised them a big explosion."

"And you're the one who forced a compromise with elephant toothpaste. Something about 'property damage'."

Tim shrugged his good shoulder. "Store owner here. I want to make sure I can resell this place without too much of a loss."

They gathered their cart and made their way to the aisle where a gaggle of kids were waiting.

"Ok, who's ready for an explosion?" Jason's question was met with a squeal of excitement from the group.

"Timmy here is going to set it up and explain what he's doing to you." Jason watched, pleased, as Tim simplified the science behind elephant's toothpaste to engage the crowd, but still teach them. Glancing about, he found all the kids were engrossed in Tim's demonstration.

"And then we just add the liquid and it goes--"

"FWOOMP!" a particularly enthralled kid cut Tim off with his rendition of what he thought the result would be.

Tim paused and looked at the kid before a smile cracked across his face. "Yeah, something like that." Without warning, he dumped the liquid in and a huge mound of foam began expanding across the tile toward the kids.

Excited shrieks filled the space, but Jason tensed as a weight landed on his arm.

He relaxed with a smile at the kid who had leapt off the floor and latched himself there. The little guy's wide eyes were locked on the pile of expanding foam. After a moment they turned to Jason, who couldn't help the smile that pulled at his lips.

"It won't hurt you," he said, shifting the kid so he was piggyback. "It's actually kind of fun." Stepping toward the foam pile, Jason took a bit in his hand and held it over his shoulder for inspection.

The kid poked at it after a few moments of silence. "Yer brave, mister," he said. "But I s'pos bein' big makes ya brave."

"Naw, size doesn't have anything to do with it," Jason said. "Timmy there, he's almost a foot shorter than me, right?" The kid nodded. "Well, he's the brave one."

The kid considered for a moment. "But he's scrawny compared to you."

Jason barely covered his laugh, but still choked even as it was. "Uh, you shouldn't call people scrawny, but yeah, he's pretty small compared to me. But he's done all sorts of things I don't think I'd ever been able to." Jason wasn't sure why he was opening up about his brother to a child, but the words were true. What Tim dealt with in just the span of time that he was Red Robin was impressive. On top of that what he'd handled as Robin...there was no doubt in Jason's mind that Tim was brave.

"Like what?" the kid asked.

Jason's mouth went dry, but he was saved by an adult at the edge if the group calling the kid's name and gesturing for him to come along.

The kid leapt off Jason's back. "See ya mister."

"See ya." Jason watched the child run over to the adult who'd called him before turning his eyes back to Tim. Watching his little brother, he was surprised to find such fierce affection in his chest.

Tim glanced over at him and did a double take. Finishing cleaning the table he'd used, he walked over to Jason.

"Everything ok?" he asked in a low voice.

"Yeah, fine," Jason said gruffly.

Tim frowned. "You sure? You're...looking at me funny."

Jason took the opportunity that comment afforded him. "Because you're my little brother and you're face is funny." He looked over the foam. "You did tell the custodial staff they get paid double tonight right?"

Tim nodded and Jason's grin got brighter. "Next stop, toy aisle."

They unceremoniously made their way to the aisle, where Jason picked up a knock-off Nerf gun and an on-brand one. Tossing the knock-off to Tim, he said, "Whole store is fair game, one case of ammunition each, whoever is hit five times first loses."

Tim caught the gun and ammunition awkwardly, giving Jason a look. "Let me guess, you gave me the off brand because I'm not an original like you."

Jason grinned as he loaded the darts into his gun. "You said it, not me."

Tim was silent until Jason closed the chamber. Looking at him curiously and wondering why his brother hadn't taken the chance to get some distance between them, Jason was caught completely off guard as Tim twisted the weapon from his hand and shot him in the chest with two rounds before sprinting down the aisle, knock-off left behind.

"And you say I'm the cheater!" Jason called after him.

"Evening the playing field!" Tim called back, waving his bad arm in the air.

Though they hadn't exactly said that was off limits, so...leave it to Tim to find the loophole that gave him an advantage.

Jason shrugged and picked up the off brand toy, then grabbed another from the shelf and loaded both.

The hunt was on.

As it turned out, hunting a person in Walmart was a significantly harder exercise than it seemed like it would be for a trained vigilante.

Tim scored another point on him in the seasonal section of the store. His red hoodie was optimally colored for hiding in disgustingly gaudy colors...

Jason then scored two points on Tim, one in the cereal aisle, the next in the pasta aisle.

Tim caught him in the clothing section.

And Jason caught one more point in the electronics section.

Tim had began maneuvering toward the front of the store, and Jason was stalking him. He figured Tim had some sort of play and, considering he had one extra point over Jason, was likely planning something altogether far more grandiose than what was necessary to win.

Jason couldn't blame him. He himself had an affinity for flair, after all.

He caught sight of Tim near the checkout lanes, but had no clear shot at him. He was repositioning himself when Tim looked directly at him and waved energetically in the direction of the doors.

Frowning, Jason took a quick glance, not trusting his brother to play fair.

And then he understood Tim's excitement.

Dick was walking right toward them. And if they played it right, they could flank him and hand him his butt with ease.

Grin spreading across his face, Jason motioned to Tim a quick plan. Acknowledging, Tim began working his way to the opposite side of Dick while Jason worked his way closer, hiding behind counters and displays. It was disgustingly easy to do, so much so that they each got within a few feet of him.

And they each unloaded their magazine on Dick.

The surprise in the man's face was priceless. Jason made a mental note to have Tim get the security camera footage for blackmail's sake before he sold the store.

Dick laughed at them as he realized he'd been drug into their game, only to yelp as Tim snagged him by the back of the shirt. Yanking Dick fully between himself and Jason, Tim shot Jason square between the eyes.

"I win," he said, grinning at Jason over Dick's shoulder.

Jason frowned before he swung his guns up and pegged Tim twice, also between the eyes. "Way to break the truce. See if I ever trust you again."

Dick glanced between them before getting a grin of his own. "Wanna play another round?"

Jason and Tim smirked at each other before Jason said, "Sure. Five hits, one gun and one extra package if ammo. Whole store is fair game. Though, from how easy it was to get you this time, you'll be out in half the time it takes me to take out Timbo."

"One gun? Hand your second one over then," Dick said, hand out for the plastic toy in Jason's hand. He stoutly ignored the comment about the ease with which he was attacked.

"Nuh huh," Jason said, shooting a foam dart at Dick's chin. "Get your own. And you're down a point already."

There was another thunk of a dart getting fired and Tim's voice accompanied it. "Two down."

"Hey, woah, unfair!" Dick shouted at them as they both sprinted away.

Another two thunks sounded. "You're four down, Dick!"

The man's groan was audible even from the thirty feet they had between them.

Jason grinned. It was totally worth putting _Pride and Prejudice_ down for this.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed! I'm curious if people would be interested in this being a short series? Let me know in the comments!
> 
> Ideas about what to do in a Walmart taken from here: http://www.joek.com/jokes/joke_59.shtml  
> I am not suggesting you try these ideas, and am not responsible for what you do in a public place or otherwise, or the consequences thereof. Please be respectful and considerate with your behavior :)


End file.
